The Solopreneur Coach HomepageThe Solopreneur Coach

Header Right

life coaching

by

Unhelpful questions

3 things that are influencing your thinking right now.

You have probably heard me – more than once – explain how important quality questions are. They truly have an incredible power to change our perspective, to help us find a way out or through. They help us to learn about ourselves. What is working, what’s not. What would I like to change. etc.

Quality questions are helpful. But there are other questions too that are rattling around in our minds.
Many of us are also asking unhelpful questions.

These types of questions serve no real good purpose. They often keep us in a worry pattern. They can erode our confidence and make us feel stuck.

So how do you recognise an unhelpful question that you’re asking yourself?
Firstly, an unhelpful question might look like any of the following:
Why do I always do that?
Why do I have to do this?
When will this thing be over?
Why can’t I make it work?
Why me?

As you would have noticed, there are a LOT of WHYs going on there. WHY is not usually helpful unless it is accompanied by genuine curiosity. And even then, it’s not always important to know WHY in order to be able to change something. In the examples above, the WHY is almost a chastisement of self. You can almost hear the complaining tone of each question, right?

And that’s one of the keys to recognising a quality question over an unhelpful one.

An unhelpful question is often emotionally charged with frustration, anger, hopelessness. It’s less of a quality question and more of an emotional outlet or pattern.

Also an unhelpful question does not help us think outside of our current thinking patterns.
Is the question opening up a new perspective? Is it helping you think about things differently?
If not, then it’s not that helpful.

And here’s the kicker: Often an unhelpful question is not designed to be answered at all!

A helpful question on the other hand, is more recognisable by it beginning with a “what”, “when” or “how”.Instead of: Why do I always do that? Ask: What could I do differently next time?

A helpful question also feels different. It is accompanied by genuine curiosity to learn or discover something. It is a feeling of being more open to other ideas, if there are other ideas. It feels less emotionally charged than an unhelpful question.

So, be on the lookout for these unhelpful questions, particularly in current times when we’re spending more time isolated from others. Recognise them when you have them and call them out. Acknowledge that it’s not a helpful question that you’re having. If you need to, try changing the question to a more helpful one.

We all have unhelpful questions from time to time. I hope this has post has been helpful for you today.

by

One year later – how are you managing the changes COVID made?

It’s been over a year since our world turned topsy-turvy with the COVID-19 global pandemic.
Can you remember what life was like before that?

I must admit that there are some blurry areas I cannot quite recall. Like, how often did I see my friends and did I go out of the house more? Likely. There are for sure things I can clearly recall as being an important part of my life, like travel. But the smaller things are not so obvious.

In many ways we’ve assumed our new habits, our new ways of working and living. Consequently how we did things before has become irrelevant in many cases. But that doesn’t mean the impact of change has gone as well.
Change on such a large and far-reaching scale as we saw last year, leaves its mark. Not just in the things that altered but in us as people.

Having experienced one of the biggest shifts in our society only just last year, we must be cautious in expecting that we are all “over it now” or “on the other side of it”. Yes we have adjusted. Yes we have adapted to our new routines. But if you are still “processing” it on some level, that’s normal.

Perhaps emotionally you still don’t feel like your old self.
Maybe your stress levels are staying elevated.
Perhaps you don’t want to accept the way some things are right now.

This is when I remind you that:
Whether change is something you choose for yourself or something that has been unceremoniously thrust upon you, you need to pro-actively manage it.

Most of us are still processing the changes that happened last year, although not everyone is aware of this.
Adjusting to change is always a challenge but it can be easier when you apply a few trusted techniques, such as these I share with you now.

Here’s 4 ways to help you better manage change:
Accept it’s a challenging time
Change is challenging for all of us. If you feel that you’re still adjusting in some ways, you need to acknowledge that there’s nothing wrong with you. Everyone is challenged by change. Don’t slip into expecting that you “should” be over it all by now. This is still very much an adjustment phase and you are navigating it. Everyone needs their own time to adjust.

Simplify
This is one of the best techniques to apply, with immediate results. You look at everything that you have on your to-do list, goals and responsibilities and you decide which things you can delay(push your deadline back), delegate or delete altogether. Trying to push forward on full throttle while still navigating the change process will only exacerbate your stress and overwhelm. Simplify things by reducing your responsibilities.

Allow more time
Most of us would prefer that we have a certain established amount of time and at the end of that time, the change process is complete. All nice and neat and predictable. Mostly we just want it to take as little as time as possible. I warn against giving into these thoughts as they completely oppose the process of change. You need to allow more time for this process than you would otherwise anticipate or expect for any challenge.
Creating or accepting change takes time. And there is no way to speed this process up. Be patient with yourself and refer to the first point: There is nothing wrong with you.

Have your own back. 
Moving through change will require more time and energy from you. It can be unsettling, frustrating and tiring. It might be a bit of a rollercoaster ride at times. Therefore it’s crucial that you have your own back. Work with yourself and not against yourself by becoming aware of any negative thoughts about your situation. Remind yourself that this is a process and will take time. Be mindful of your self care and ways to restore your energy levels.
Having your own back means supporting yourself as much as you would support a good friend in their time of need. Be patient. Give yourself the things you need to rejuvenate your energy and write our any negative thoughts that come up.

I hope you will implement one of these techniques over the next week.
Which one will you choose?

by

To reduce stress, increase your mind space

Stress manifests for each of us in different ways. Whether you experience stress in a very physical way in your body or more of an overall attitude slump, the cause is always your mind. 

Our thoughts create our feelings. So if we’re feeling stressed, we’re having stressful thoughts.

Or perhaps we’re just having too many thoughts in general. What do you notice about your thinking patterns when you’re stressed?

Noticing your thoughts is the first step towards creating some mind space for yourself. If you can notice or observe your thoughts, you are not your thoughts. There opens up some gap where you can be the observer and be less attached to the thoughts.

That’s why mindfulness and meditation are so helpful in reducing stress. These practices help create more of what I like to call mind space.

Today I’d like to share with you 4 different practices that can help you to create more mind space and reduce your stress. You can easily integrate all of these practices into your routine, but if you are starting out, maybe just try implementing one practice for a few weeks to start with.

  1. Download your thoughts
    Write your thoughts out. Get them out of your mind! You can do this by journaling or simply by doing what I call a thought download. You can choose a specific project/goal to write about or focus on your current situation generally. You basically write all of the thoughts you have about that situation down. All of the thoughts, without editing.  This gets rid of all the thoughts rolling around in your mind clanging like marbles and creating noise.
  2. Meditate
    You can’t overestimate the value of meditation to your short and long term mental health. I say start today if you don’t already meditate! If you’re a beginner, it might be best to start with a guided meditation and then over time progress to just focusing on your breathing and not thinking. This requires practice. The whole point is to focus your awareness in the present moment and spend less time thinking. 
  3. Use the Focus Technique
    This is a very simple but effective exercise. Again, it has similar principles to meditation. You are to focus your attention and observe without thinking or feeling. Here are the steps:
    – Select a small personal object that you like a great deal. It might be an item of jewellery, an ornament or  a favourite tool for your hobby.
    – Focus all your attention on this object as you inhale and exhale deeply for 1-2 minutes.
    – While you’re doing this exercise, try not to let other thoughts or feelings enter your mind. If they do, just return your attention to the object. Observe it closely and breathe.

4. Find your out-of-mind activity
There are many activities that help us to become more present in our bodies and/or be “in flow” when we are not thinking at all. These activities are usually a physical or creative practice eg. running, yoga, dancing, cooking. Think of an activity that you can get so wrapped up in that you are no longer thinking or taking in information. You are just in the moment and there is no mind chatter going on. When you find your activity, you simply need to do it regularly! This will help you to remain present, as well as create and maintain mind space.

by

Your checklist for a successful start to 2021

Setting yourself up for a successful year ahead does not have to be complicated or time-consuming. I have created a simple 5-step process that enables you the best start to the year. This process ensures that you build on your success and learnings from the previous year, align your activities with your values and create a system that keeps you on-track for the year.

Step 1 – Review your review
Did you complete a review as I recommended in December last year? If so, get it out and read through it again. If you haven’t done a review of your 2020 year, there is still time. Click here to get started on one now. It takes just a few quality questions to provide you with key learnings and an overview of your outcomes for the year. 2020 was a challenging year on many fronts and for this reason, you will likely have learnt quite a lot. The review will capture this important information and provide a springboard for the next actions you will take to move ahead into 2021.

Step 2 – Highlight your key learnings & required actions
A review is not a process to be completed and then set aside. Your answers to the review questions are incredibly valuable and you should absolutely utilise them in your early planning for 2021. Start by looking at your review answers and make a note of the key learnings. These learnings could be what you learnt about yourself, your work or the way in which you work. Certainly note what did and didn’t work for the year. Next you want to note the actions that need to take place to move you forward. This is where you tap into the power of the review, it can act as the springboard to move you forward. What do you need more of in 2021? What 1 thing do you need to change in 2021? The answers to these two questions will create some basic actions that you can build on.

Step 3 – Check in with your values
Do you have a list of your personal values? Are you even aware of what your values are? Your personal values are the intrinsic foundation to your experience of wellbeing and fulfillment. In other words, if you want to experience wellbeing and fulfillment, you simply must live in alignment with your values. Values by their very nature will shift and evolve as you do, most particularly when you have experienced changes in your life. As 2020 was the year of change, make sure you check-in with your values to assess if they have changed.

Step 4 – Set your SMART goals
What outcomes do you want in your personal and professional life this year? What changes would you like to make? Express these outcomes as a Specific, Measured, Attainable, Relevant and Time-bound goals.

Step 5 – Set your tracking system
Did you know that the main reason for goal non-achievement is simply just “getting off track”? Most goals require you to engage in new habits, new ways of doing things and new ways of thinking. Acquiring a new habit takes practice until our brains have created a well-worn neural pathway and the task feels more natural. The key to habit formation is staying on track long enough to establish this familiarity with the new habit. Your habit building solution is therefore to set up a tracking system. If you track your habit you ensure that you maintain it more consistently for a longer period of time until it becomes easier. It’s natural to “get off track” when starting a new habit, so this system is the key to your success. Check out my tracking system here.

Follow these 5 steps and you will be ensuring that you give yourself and your goals the best opportunity for success in 2021.

Like this post? Sign up here for my fortnightly Coaching email.

by

Is this the missing piece to your wellbeing?

Recently I’ve had the urge to try some new things. Not big things, just small ones. Lots of small ones. New recipes for dinner, new cafes to be in, new blogs to read. I acquired (or renewed?) an interest in Ancient History and became very dedicated to making every curry in my beloved vegan Indian cookbook.

I started to wonder at this new inclination for something different, but as it started about the same time as we’d been in lockdown for weeks… the answer was clear.

I’m needing a change. I’m seeking something different.

And this makes sense right? We’re living and working in the same place, seeing the same people and as a result we’re experiencing less variety.
There is no novelty, so we start to create novel things to do or incorporate into our routine. This explains the sudden interest in baking by many people during lockdown.

So, being curious, I did a bit of reading and discovered that we all actually need novelty for our wellbeing. 

Research has found that experiencing something new (in a safe way- where our brain does not detect a threat) activates the pleasure centres of the brain. We actually get a dopamine hit. And this need for novelty is not just important for now, during these challenging times, but is in fact a fundamental part of our general wellbeing.

I must say that this made sense to me instantly and I’m sure you’ll relate too. It’s when we stop experiencing new things and seeking out new learnings, trying anything new, that we get a bit stale and sometimes stuck. Don’t get me wrong, we certainly need routine and structure but what we also need is a sprinkle of novelty. 

So how much novelty are you creating for yourself?

Like this post? Sign up for my weekly Coaching email direct to your inbox.