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The Problem With Seeking Success

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As you are a consumer of personal development content, then you’re most likely also aware that much of the noise is all about how to become successful. In every article or blog you are offered tips, formulas and breakthrough techniques. And yes, in this post I too offer some ideas (guilty).

But, there are a few problems with this idea of the pursuit of success.

When we read articles about creating success, we’re thinking about success as a destination most of the time. As if someday, we will arrive there on our yacht, sipping champagne and smiling for the world to see. Sounds nice, but…

Success is not a destination. Because once we achieve a certain goal, we are quickly then on to the next thing. We are always growing, so the idea of reaching success at a singular point is illusory.

But more significant than this even, is the assumption most of us are making.

We are assuming that when we are “successful” then we will also be fulfilled. We assume that the hole within us of “not-enoughness” will be gone when we are successful.

Sorry, bad news: Success does not equal fulfillment.

Don’t get me wrong, you can be successful and fulfilled. But understand this distinction:
You cannot expect that your success will also bring fulfillment. They are two very different things.

You cannot pursue success as if it were the answer to your fulfillment.

You can pursue success at an endeavour for what the challenges will make of you. Being successful in that endeavour will be cause for celebration at achieving a goal. But fulfillment is up to you and is independent of your goal achievements and failures.

Have a think about it. Are you expecting success to make you feel better about yourself? Make you feel more confident? Will you feel worthy after you achieve that big goal?

Then, you are seeking fulfillment in a place you cannot find it. Success cannot fill that hole, you must learn to develop your own experience of fulfillment.

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What you need to know about resistance

If you’re chasing some big goals then you probably need no introduction to the experience of resistance! Yes, it seems to come up loud and clear the moment we commit to a big goal. Suddenly we’re looking up the cliff face above us thinking… oh man, this is huge!

But resistance is also a bit sneaky in that it pops up in much smaller things in everyday life.Have you ever woken up in the morning with a horrible feeling of the day that lays ahead of you?

You know you have a wonderful life and are generally a positive person. But still, there are days when you feel that“urgh” feeling. You might start to wonder… What am I doing wrong? Why do I feel so bad?

You’re not doing anything wrong. There is no problem. I know, from the way you feel, you assume there is a problem, but trust me, more often than not, there is no real problem. 

This is resistance at work! Let me explain…

Resistance is our mind creating a problem with either:

  1. the way things actually are(your current circumstances or a situation) OR
  2. your experience of an emotion(usually the ones we call negative)

As you know, our brains are wired for survival and can be hypervigilant. We need to manage our minds or they will manage us! With resistance it’s all about just understanding what is really going on!

Your brain is creating a problem about the way things are.For example:Situation: You have back to back meetings all dayThoughts:“It’s going to be exhausting”,“This is ridiculous, I can’t get my work done with so many meetings”These thoughts are creating a problem where there wasn’t one. Meetings all day- fact. Notice that the situation is not good or bad until the thoughts about the meetings kicks in. There is a judgement of good/bad. Our thinking creates the problem, the resistance to reality. Once that happens, we cannot accept how things are. They are perceived as “bad”or “wrong”. As a result, we spend most of the day resisting the situation because “it shouldn’t be this way”.

The other thing resistance does is push back against an emotion. Usually an emotion that doesn’t feel comfortable. Instead of allowing the emotion, we try to avoid it or cover it. As we were never really taught how to manage our emotions, it’s no wonder we we actually just try and avoid the ones we don’t like the feel of! But, I digress… 

The only trouble with resisting an emotion is that it actually strengthens it! So, you will start to feel even more uncomfortable. I think we resist our emotions because on some level we think that something is wrong when we are feeling bad. We equate feeling bad with something being wrong. 

But, if we allow it, it passes after a time.

Resistance is a natural part of the human experience, so you’re not alone. But to better manage your mind and move towards dissolving resistance, here’s something to try:When you feel that sense of resistance creeping in, ask yourself: What problem might I be creating here? What emotion might I be experiencing? 

Stopping to ask those questions is enough to loosen the grip of the resistance and move towards awareness. And being aware of what’s really going on is enough to create a significant shift for yourself, believe me!

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The skill you truly need to succeed

What is the one constant in life? Change.

We as individuals are constantly evolving, our work and industries are always shifting. Thinking back to 10 years ago, how much has your life changed? What is different now in your business and the way you market your business?

The answer is likely, a lot.

The nature of life is change and growth. If you’re reading this you most likely actively seek growth. Personal growth. You want to expand your understanding and skills to create a better life and business for yourself. There is plenty of content to consume and so much information at our fingertips, there really is no limit to how much we can grow our own skills. But what I want to present today is that regardless of what you have learnt and the skills you currently possess, there is actually 1 master skill that is essential for your success.

I call it a master skill because it sits above all the others that you have. All the other tips and advice you have implemented simply all lead back to this one master skill. Without this skill, trying to grow and develop yourself and your business will be a much more difficult road. Yet, we are not taught this fundamental skill at school or tertiary education. Most of us learn it the hard way, through life’s challenges. Additionally, most of us never consider building on this skill to accelerate our growth.

The master skill I am referring to is the skill of being able to embrace change. Not as simple as it sounds, actually. But more than worth the effort.
Embracing change is not about being one of the “early adaptors” of technology. Although early adaptors may also have this skill. Embracing change is about understanding, recognising and managing the change process. The change process within yourself and that of the events that are the ebb and flow of your life.

Most of us are not focused on change and it’s presence in our lives, until a big change comes along that was unexpected. Then we start the process of trying to figure out how to deal with it. But some of us do pursue change, at least at an intellectual level, through our pursuit of goals. And this is where we can meet the change process head-on, as we try to create new habits. 

Learning to create a new habit and sustain it requires much effort, I am sure you will agree. The skill you need is built slowly and over time. But like any muscle that is used, continues to get stronger. This is one way for us to learn about the change process, what is involved and the challenges it presents. It creates an opportunity to build a master skill that can be applied to all aspects of your life, namely, being able to change yourself and adapt to change around you.

If you would like to learn more about the change process, I am presenting a Day Course on How To Embrace Change at the St George & Sutherland Community College on Saturday 15th June. Click below for further details:

Learn To Embrace Change – Day Workshop

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Will you keep, modify or drop?

It’s the second quarter of the year already! Can you believe it? I hope you have had a great start to the year working on your goals. How are they progressing? It’s so important to check in about now and do a quick review of how it is all going.

Why?

So you know how far you’ve progressed with each goal and so you can clearly see what is and is not working. It does not have to take long, but this simple one act can make all the difference! You see, the goal-setting process is actually more flexible than most of us think. Well, it’s a paradox in a way. You have to fully commit and not waver, yet you must be flexible to allow your goals to evolve or change.

If it sounds confusing, stay with me… 

When you set your goals at the beginning of the year, you had to make choices about very specific directions you wanted to go in. Then you made a plan and started to go to work. You have had the end result in mind as you continue to move forward one step at a time.

That commitment and certainty to your goals path still remains important but now you must evaluate how that path is serving your goals. And if those goals are still relevant. A quick way to do this is to ask good questions.

These questions will help you to establish if your goals are still relevant. This is the first step.

For each goal you have, ask yourself:
Is this goal still important to me and my business?Will achieving this goal still have the impact/effect I thought it would when I first set the goal? Or is the outcome likely to be less impactful?

Next, you need to establish if the path you are on with your goals is serving its purpose or needs adjusting. Adjusting your goals path can be necessary for all sorts of reasons. It could be taking longer to progress than you thought. Maybe what you’re doing is not working at all. This is why we need to remain flexible. We must be willing to make changes based on the feedback we get from the review process.

Ask yourself:
Is the time-frame to achieve this goal still realistic?Am I getting good ROI with the actions I am taking? This could be time or monetary investment.Has another way to achieve the goal become apparent?

With your answers you can then decide whether to keep, modify or drop each goal. This review of your goals now, will help you avoid getting to the end of the year (or goal time-frame) and finding that you don’t have the results you wanted or that they have become irrelevant.

I hope you find it helpful in becoming more focused in the pursuit of your goals over the next few months.

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Guest Blog Post: 3 seconds for someone to buy you

It takes less than 3 seconds for someone to decide whether they like you, according to Jean Baur, Author and Career Coach widely known for her keen observations in business.

The bad news is, online it takes even less time to make that first impression. Customers visit your website to see if you can solve their problems. If they see a single thing out of place, they will move onto the next site and you won’t have a chance.

Many things send subconscious signals to a viewer that something isn’t right. They could include, outdated style, meaningless stock photos, ugly colors, or cheap looking design.

But I think the biggest mistake made by SMEs are poor quality photographs on the about page. Studies show that the about page is the most visited page after your home page. This is because people buy from people they like.

I’m on your site because I’m already interested in your services.Before I contact you, I want to check your profile. I need to see if you’re trustworthy, whether I can rely on all the things I’ve read so far. At this point I’m a step away from buying. Right now 4 things can happen.

Maybe there’s no photo. There’s a wall of text that I’m unlikely to bother reading. I’m wondering why you’re hiding. Most of your competitors will have a headshot in 2019. I don’t know if this person’s genuine. It may even be just an offshore business and template website with no real local staff. I might keep you in mind, but I’m going to keep looking.

Maybe there’s a selfie, or an awkwardly cut out group photo from a social gathering. It’s dark, unflattering, unprofessional. I wonder if you’re a brand new business, and just hired someone to make a website, and even write all the words for you. Right or wrong, it’s hard to imagine you solving my problem when you present yourself so inappropriately. If anyone calls you, they’ll assume you’re cheap, because surely you can’t cost as much as your competitor who wears a suit right?

Maybe you have a headshot, but it’s a bit awkward. Some people have dark eye sockets, look like a stunned deer in headlights, or look angry or generally uncomfortable. I’ll trust you probably know what you’re doing, but it’s probably just not the right fit.

Hopefully you have a professional headshot, that shows the right level of friendliness, competence, authority, and trustworthiness. It connects with the client, and I immediately feel confident you can solve my problems. You’ve just validated everything I’ve seen on your website as truthful, and I’m ready to make contact.

So basically there are 3 ways to drive potential clients to your competitors, and one way to encourage them to contact you. The key is to look professional, so that they can imagine you solving their problems competently.

So how do you know whether you’re sending the right message with your headshot?

Think about your ideal audience – specifically your best clients. What do they they seek in a service provider? Do they want someone with presence and authority? Someone who’s approachable? Someone knowledgeable? Each profession is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all.

Next is, how do you show each of these qualities? Is it by what you wear, the style of lighting we use, the colors? It’s usually a combination of all of these.

That’s why you can’t just “take a headshot”, at least not one that’s useful. It’s through guided questioning that we help you discover the right qualities for your headshot so that it has impact and connects with your clients. Sometimes we even find you have different types of clients who are looking for distinctly different things. We’ve found this exercise very useful not only for us to learn about your business, but to help you deliver your message more conveniently to your customers.

Do you wish you could show off your brand more professionally? Image is everything in the visually connected world. Make a bad first impression, and you won’t get a second chance.

My business, Valent Lau Photography, specialises personal and brand photography, crafting images that connect with your audience. I’m offering you a free ebook filled with easy to follow Pro Tips that make your Business Stand Out from the Crowd! Just click below!