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Unhelpful questions

3 things that are influencing your thinking right now.

You have probably heard me – more than once – explain how important quality questions are. They truly have an incredible power to change our perspective, to help us find a way out or through. They help us to learn about ourselves. What is working, what’s not. What would I like to change. etc.

Quality questions are helpful. But there are other questions too that are rattling around in our minds.
Many of us are also asking unhelpful questions.

These types of questions serve no real good purpose. They often keep us in a worry pattern. They can erode our confidence and make us feel stuck.

So how do you recognise an unhelpful question that you’re asking yourself?
Firstly, an unhelpful question might look like any of the following:
Why do I always do that?
Why do I have to do this?
When will this thing be over?
Why can’t I make it work?
Why me?

As you would have noticed, there are a LOT of WHYs going on there. WHY is not usually helpful unless it is accompanied by genuine curiosity. And even then, it’s not always important to know WHY in order to be able to change something. In the examples above, the WHY is almost a chastisement of self. You can almost hear the complaining tone of each question, right?

And that’s one of the keys to recognising a quality question over an unhelpful one.

An unhelpful question is often emotionally charged with frustration, anger, hopelessness. It’s less of a quality question and more of an emotional outlet or pattern.

Also an unhelpful question does not help us think outside of our current thinking patterns.
Is the question opening up a new perspective? Is it helping you think about things differently?
If not, then it’s not that helpful.

And here’s the kicker: Often an unhelpful question is not designed to be answered at all!

A helpful question on the other hand, is more recognisable by it beginning with a “what”, “when” or “how”.Instead of: Why do I always do that? Ask: What could I do differently next time?

A helpful question also feels different. It is accompanied by genuine curiosity to learn or discover something. It is a feeling of being more open to other ideas, if there are other ideas. It feels less emotionally charged than an unhelpful question.

So, be on the lookout for these unhelpful questions, particularly in current times when we’re spending more time isolated from others. Recognise them when you have them and call them out. Acknowledge that it’s not a helpful question that you’re having. If you need to, try changing the question to a more helpful one.

We all have unhelpful questions from time to time. I hope this has post has been helpful for you today.

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One year later – how are you managing the changes COVID made?

It’s been over a year since our world turned topsy-turvy with the COVID-19 global pandemic.
Can you remember what life was like before that?

I must admit that there are some blurry areas I cannot quite recall. Like, how often did I see my friends and did I go out of the house more? Likely. There are for sure things I can clearly recall as being an important part of my life, like travel. But the smaller things are not so obvious.

In many ways we’ve assumed our new habits, our new ways of working and living. Consequently how we did things before has become irrelevant in many cases. But that doesn’t mean the impact of change has gone as well.
Change on such a large and far-reaching scale as we saw last year, leaves its mark. Not just in the things that altered but in us as people.

Having experienced one of the biggest shifts in our society only just last year, we must be cautious in expecting that we are all “over it now” or “on the other side of it”. Yes we have adjusted. Yes we have adapted to our new routines. But if you are still “processing” it on some level, that’s normal.

Perhaps emotionally you still don’t feel like your old self.
Maybe your stress levels are staying elevated.
Perhaps you don’t want to accept the way some things are right now.

This is when I remind you that:
Whether change is something you choose for yourself or something that has been unceremoniously thrust upon you, you need to pro-actively manage it.

Most of us are still processing the changes that happened last year, although not everyone is aware of this.
Adjusting to change is always a challenge but it can be easier when you apply a few trusted techniques, such as these I share with you now.

Here’s 4 ways to help you better manage change:
Accept it’s a challenging time
Change is challenging for all of us. If you feel that you’re still adjusting in some ways, you need to acknowledge that there’s nothing wrong with you. Everyone is challenged by change. Don’t slip into expecting that you “should” be over it all by now. This is still very much an adjustment phase and you are navigating it. Everyone needs their own time to adjust.

Simplify
This is one of the best techniques to apply, with immediate results. You look at everything that you have on your to-do list, goals and responsibilities and you decide which things you can delay(push your deadline back), delegate or delete altogether. Trying to push forward on full throttle while still navigating the change process will only exacerbate your stress and overwhelm. Simplify things by reducing your responsibilities.

Allow more time
Most of us would prefer that we have a certain established amount of time and at the end of that time, the change process is complete. All nice and neat and predictable. Mostly we just want it to take as little as time as possible. I warn against giving into these thoughts as they completely oppose the process of change. You need to allow more time for this process than you would otherwise anticipate or expect for any challenge.
Creating or accepting change takes time. And there is no way to speed this process up. Be patient with yourself and refer to the first point: There is nothing wrong with you.

Have your own back. 
Moving through change will require more time and energy from you. It can be unsettling, frustrating and tiring. It might be a bit of a rollercoaster ride at times. Therefore it’s crucial that you have your own back. Work with yourself and not against yourself by becoming aware of any negative thoughts about your situation. Remind yourself that this is a process and will take time. Be mindful of your self care and ways to restore your energy levels.
Having your own back means supporting yourself as much as you would support a good friend in their time of need. Be patient. Give yourself the things you need to rejuvenate your energy and write our any negative thoughts that come up.

I hope you will implement one of these techniques over the next week.
Which one will you choose?

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What I’m discussing with my clients right now

Have you ever wondered what goes on within a Coaching session?

Well, this week, I am peeling back the curtain and sharing with you the most common topics that my clients and I are currently talking about!

It’s interesting because across an array of businesses and professional situations, there is an alignment of talking topics. To be clear, I am of course not going to share any specific information about individual situations (client confidentiality is highly respected!), but rather, the common focal points and areas that we’re working on at the moment.

Many people are actually working on the same thing, but just in a different context!

And this means that there’s a good chance that you will relate to these challenges too!

So here are the consistent talking points within my coaching sessions at the moment:

Workload
Balancing large workloads and the ebb and flow of business projects is a regular topic we talk about. Some months are just flat out busy! When you’re building and growing a business, you want to create more work and inevitably the work can come all at once! These busy periods can be particularly challenging on a number of levels: staffing, impact on personal lives and health. It’s important to have a“game plan” for these busy periods! And that’s what I help my clients create and maintain.

Can you use the three D’s? Delete, delegate, delay. You need to be flexible and to do things differently for the busy period in order to manage the new workload. You may even need to take a step back and adjust your own expectations about what is realistically achievable.

Staffing & relationships
Relationships are key to any business operation, regardless of industry. Having the right staff, enough staff and managing staff is a talking point for many of my coaching sessions. We also touch on creating ways to maintain the important relationships within the business and professional networks of my clients. This can be traditional networking, informal catch-ups or reaching out to others through mutual connections or on LinkedIn. Having the right relationships working well is important.

Habits
One of my roles as a coach is to help my clients create and maintain(or break) habits. This is common to all of my coaching sessions. Whatever the business or professional situation, it usually requires growth. My clients need to change as the business grows or change in order to make the business grow! This means acquiring new habits!
As a coach I provide the support that my clients need throughout the habit acquiring process. And as it’s a bumpy ride most of the time, this is of great value. There is much information about acquiring habits in short amounts of time but little information about what is required to stay the course. It’s not about willpower! It’s about having a system and understanding that the process involves getting of track for some of the time.

Marketing
Most of the professionals and business owners I work with operate within a small to medium-size enterprise. This means that marketing is in-house. So many conversations lead to marketing and lead generation. While not everyone is enthusiastic about marketing, all clients realise the importance and inevitability of it. We often discuss implementing marketing plans and how to maintain these as part of a business system. While some clients prefer to outsource the marketing tasks, the strategy and outcomes are always designed by each client themselves for their own unique situation.

Self care and boundaries
I have kept this topic on the agenda for all of my clients, particularly after the challenges we’ve all experienced within the last year. Change and disruption has impacted business and ways of working in a big way! This has meant more stress and the changing of-or complete erasing- of boundaries. It’s important at these points of disruption to our routines that we become mindful of where our boundaries are between work and leisure, professional and personal, being busy and relaxing to restore energy. I consistently ask my clients about their workload and their self care activities. Regardless of how busy you are, you must have self care practices that you do on a regular basis. This helps to restore your energy and, most importantly, prevent burnout.

Are these topics your current challenges too?
If so, do consider registering for my FREE Coaching Introduction Session. It’s an opportunity for you to discuss your current situation & challenges and ask all your questions about Coaching.

Would love to chat with you. Register here.

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To reduce stress, increase your mind space

Stress manifests for each of us in different ways. Whether you experience stress in a very physical way in your body or more of an overall attitude slump, the cause is always your mind. 

Our thoughts create our feelings. So if we’re feeling stressed, we’re having stressful thoughts.

Or perhaps we’re just having too many thoughts in general. What do you notice about your thinking patterns when you’re stressed?

Noticing your thoughts is the first step towards creating some mind space for yourself. If you can notice or observe your thoughts, you are not your thoughts. There opens up some gap where you can be the observer and be less attached to the thoughts.

That’s why mindfulness and meditation are so helpful in reducing stress. These practices help create more of what I like to call mind space.

Today I’d like to share with you 4 different practices that can help you to create more mind space and reduce your stress. You can easily integrate all of these practices into your routine, but if you are starting out, maybe just try implementing one practice for a few weeks to start with.

  1. Download your thoughts
    Write your thoughts out. Get them out of your mind! You can do this by journaling or simply by doing what I call a thought download. You can choose a specific project/goal to write about or focus on your current situation generally. You basically write all of the thoughts you have about that situation down. All of the thoughts, without editing.  This gets rid of all the thoughts rolling around in your mind clanging like marbles and creating noise.
  2. Meditate
    You can’t overestimate the value of meditation to your short and long term mental health. I say start today if you don’t already meditate! If you’re a beginner, it might be best to start with a guided meditation and then over time progress to just focusing on your breathing and not thinking. This requires practice. The whole point is to focus your awareness in the present moment and spend less time thinking. 
  3. Use the Focus Technique
    This is a very simple but effective exercise. Again, it has similar principles to meditation. You are to focus your attention and observe without thinking or feeling. Here are the steps:
    – Select a small personal object that you like a great deal. It might be an item of jewellery, an ornament or  a favourite tool for your hobby.
    – Focus all your attention on this object as you inhale and exhale deeply for 1-2 minutes.
    – While you’re doing this exercise, try not to let other thoughts or feelings enter your mind. If they do, just return your attention to the object. Observe it closely and breathe.

4. Find your out-of-mind activity
There are many activities that help us to become more present in our bodies and/or be “in flow” when we are not thinking at all. These activities are usually a physical or creative practice eg. running, yoga, dancing, cooking. Think of an activity that you can get so wrapped up in that you are no longer thinking or taking in information. You are just in the moment and there is no mind chatter going on. When you find your activity, you simply need to do it regularly! This will help you to remain present, as well as create and maintain mind space.

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Giving up on goals

This week I’m asking you: Have you abandoned any goals or commitments in the last few months?

For most of us, the answer to this question is “yes”. It’s just after the first quarter of the year and that is around the time that the wheels can start to fall off our carefully laid plans.

In some ways this is a natural thing. For example, if you set too many goals in January that were all due for completion in the first half of the year, you’re likely giving up on a few of those by now. 

Then there are the other reasons why we’ve thrown in the towel in the 4th month of the year. This is what I want to discuss today. It’s these other reasons that contain within themselves the key to your success.

Yes, paradoxically, the reasons you give yourself for giving up, are also the doorways to your success.

Huh? How does that work?
Well, the excuses that we give for not committing, not following through, actually reveal the exact obstacle we need to overcome. Think about the most common excuses given giving up on a goal:
“I didn’t have enough time, I’m too busy”. Not enough time.
“I’m too old/young/late/early..”. The wrong time.

You would be forgiven for thinking that these excuses are about time itself. On the surface it looks that way. But what if I ask you:
Is that really true, that you have no time?
Can you be 100% certain that you have absolutely no time?
This is when the excuse starts to get a little shaky. A tiny spec of doubt starts to creep in and the absoluteness of your answer/excuse starts to waiver. 

Perfect. This is exactly where you are meant to be.

You see the excuses that we give ourselves and reasoning we use are just stories that tell ourselves. I don’t meant that your purposely lying to yourself. I mean that we all construct stories (mostly unconsciously) to make sense of the world and our experience in it. It is these stories that will ultimately confine us or set us free.

For most of us, our stories have been playing over and over in our minds for years without being questioned. Stories actually do help us manage our way in the world but they do need to be updated from time to time when they are holding us back.

If you want to change your story you can start by questioning it.
What’s my excuse or reasoning?
Why did I give up on that goal?
These are the first steps to questioning your story. These questions will reveal your story to you.

Then ask yourself: 
Can I be 100% certain that that is true?
What would happen if it was not true? What would I like to do then?

These questions create awareness of your story and give you the opportunity to decide if you want to keep your story. It will open you up to options that you otherwise thought you never had.

Remember to approach this process with genuine curiosity and less like you’re interrogating yourself or beating yourself up. There is no judgement here. It is a process that works best with curiosity to learn about yourself.