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5 tips for creating great relationships!

Cultivating great relationships in your business and in your personal life has a whole host of benefits, not least of which is improved connection and wellbeing. If you’ve done work in the area of improving your relationships, you know what I’m saying!

I have done some serious work on this throughout the years, taking onboard many teachings from a range of places such as positive psychology and spiritual teachers. I have not just read the books but actually implemented the concepts – with success!

You can create a whole new world if you raise the bar on the quality of your relationships.

Today I share my 5 best tips to creating great relationships(you’re welcome:)). 

Throw out your conditions
Whether we realise it or not, we all have expectations about others, even moreso when we’re talking about our significant other. We have expectations about how they should behave and what they should say in certain circumstances. We often expect them to be mind readers about these expectations and of how we are feeling. Even in our work relationships, we expect our boss or co-workers to act a certain way. 

I’m not going into an analysis of where these expectations come from. All you need to understand is that we all have these expectations and the sooner you identify yours, the better. Or more accurately, the sooner you identify your expectations of others and drop them, the better all of your relationships will be!

What are you expecting that person to do? To say? It’s easiest to identify our expectations when we find ourselves feeling bad about what other people in our lives have/haven’t done.Next time you feel a bit disappointed or upset with someone, ask yourself: “If I was expecting them to do/say/ be something, what was it?”

You can’t expect others to behave as you want them. Funnily enough you can’t control them. Understanding your expectations allows you to make requests of them (their behaviour etc) when you feel it’s necessary and at most other times, to simply drop your expectations. (This probably deserves a full and very long blog post, so stay tuned, I’ll get to that soon!)

Know the power of your words and tone
In this age of soft skills and EQ you’d think this would be obvious. For many of us it is obvious and makes perfect logical sense and yet we don’t practice it! The most impact we can make on others is in the words we choose and the tone at which we speak them. Ever met someone who made you feel amazing and you walked away feeling uplifted? Yes, that’s the power of their words and tone. How are you using yours?

Listen, harder
The most underrated ability is that of being a great listener. Learning to really listen and be present with others will catapult all of your relationships to a whole new level! Yes, even that chat you have with the random person you meet on the street. It transforms you and them. In the context of our relationships – be them work or personal – being a good listener should be practised daily. Most people are not good at this. They listen to what you’re saying while also thinking of their response to what you’re saying, they’re thinking of what they want for dinner and playing with their phone.

If you can learn to sit still and focus only on what the person opposite you is saying, you will create unprecedented amounts of trust and connection. Practice, it takes practice, but it’s one thousand times worth it! Trust me, I know because I listen hard.

Know your own boundaries, respect theirs
You know that first point I made about expectations? Here’s where boundaries are important. While we’re trying to get a grip on our expectations of others, they’re having some about us. And their expectations can influence what we do. You need to understand your own boundaries so that you don’t do things that aren’t good for you. 

Our personal boundaries are often tied to our values. They are self-preserving and essential. For example: You can’t spend all of your days giving your time to others, there must be a boundary about how much time you will spend with them. Becoming aware of your own boundaries will help you to guide others that you are in relationship with. ie. telling them “no I can’t do that”. Of course in return you respect their boundaries. This makes for much better (less resentful) relationships all round.

Understand yourself better
If you don’t take any of these tips on board, at least try this one. It’s fundamental. You can’t have great relationships with others if you don’t understand yourself and your actions. The more self-aware that you become, the better you can act in all of your relationships. You can start by simply being curious and asking yourself quality questions. Become more aware of your moods, your actions and the thoughts that potentially instigate these reactions in you. It’s not about finding fault to“fix” it all. It’s about becoming an observer. And what happens when you become the observer? You naturally make adjustments in your own time if any small modifcations of behaviour are needed. Know yourself to better engage with others professionally and personally.

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How to quieten your mind chatter

With  access to all the information we could want at our very fingertips, its no wonder we have busy brains, right? The convenient and instant access to information has created amazing benefits for us all but with it also comes a few new challenges.

The constant consuming of information and entertainment make for very full minds. In many cases we are over consuming. It doesn’t help that alerts and pop-ups tap into that biological response part of us all which is highly addictive!

So, what can we do to create a little quiet in our minds?

Be present and focus
The more we are simply focused in what we are doing and where we are right now – ie. being present – the more quiet and peace we can create for ourselves. Initially this focus will need to be with you focusing your whole attention into a specific activity that you’re currently undertaking. With practice over time, you can also create this quiet without doing any activity at all. How does it work? Simply do one thing at a time and focus all of your attention on what you’re doing. Call it getting into flow, into the zone… it is about getting into a space of full attention and very little, if any, mind chatter.

Create boundaries
Start small with this. It can be really as simple as turning your phone off during one meal per day, or for one hour. This is to totally disconnect from information. You can also create boundaries by reducing the flow of information to just one source. We are often receiving multiple sources of information at one time and this exacerbates the busy brain problem. For example, don’t have email open while you’re working on other projects, put your phone on silent etc. 

Schedule tasks or delete them
Throw away your to-do list! Yes, I said it. I am a lover of lists of all kinds, but a to-do list rarely gets actioned. This is mainly because the to-do’s don’t have a hard deadline and aren’t actually  allocated time. You need to actually allocate time to do the things on your list. Put them straight into your calendar. Then, you simply honour your calendar and do it when it is scheduled. If you don’t want to put it in your calendar, your really don’t want to do it, so completely delete it from your list and mind.

Make your decisions in advance & final
There is a crazy amount of cognitive effort that is wasted on unmade or half-made decisions. Even for simple things like “what I think I might cook for dinner”, we spend a lot of time and energy going back and forth over the options. It’s such a waste our valuable cognitive space! The best option is to decide in advance as much as possible. If you can plan all your meals for example in advance for a few days or a week, it means you won’t be using your brain space to wrangle with that. Sounds simple and small but try it! Start small and move on to bigger things. You may have heard the story that Steve Jobs only wore the same outfit every day. Why? To avoid the mind chatter and cognitive effort being spent. 

Become more present in your body
When we are more present in our physical bodies, we are less occupied with our minds. Think about activities that get you in touch with your body and your senses… exercise, being in nature, cooking, dancing, sex… Any activity that helps you become more in touch with your senses and/or breathing will bring you into your body and away from the thought chatter. Some people get this from running, meditation or a creative hobby. Look for activities that help you to be present in your body to help you quieten your mind.

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When is the right time?

Do you have some changes that you want to make that you are putting off?

In my coaching sessions over the years, I’ve always heard the same reasons for delaying a decision for a change. The reasons are usually:“now is not the ideal time” or “I’m not ready yet”.

Sound familiar?
Both of these reasons are actually the same thing. You see, when clients tell me these reasons I know that what they really mean deep down is:
“I don’t feel ready.” 

I get it. I have experienced that feeling, almost an ambiguity in wanting to make a change, to decide to move forward… but also wanting to delay. I know it feels like you are giving very valid reasons for delaying. And I also know that it’s really only in a few cases that situations actually warrant the delay before jumping in.

Still, noone can make you decide that now is the time. That’s why change is always up to you.

If you are at a point and find yourself saying “now is not the ideal time” or “I’m not ready yet”, make sure you ask yourself why. Why is now not the time?  And if I did do it now, what difference would it make?

Too often we procrastinate whilst being well-meaning. We know something needs to change and we have every intention of doing it. But right now, it’s not a good time.

When is a good time? This is the question you need to ask yourself. If you are delaying a decision or delaying making a change, ask yourself:
If not now, then when?

Make sure you get a specific answer. No foggy, round-about vague answer will do.
If not now, then when will I start this?
If not now, then when will I decide – yes or no – to move forward with this idea?

You see this idea of there being a right time is mostly bulls**t! (yes, first swear in my blog posts) There is no ray of insight, clearing of clouds and sudden clarity that brings “the right time”.

So when is the right time?
The right time occurs when you say to yourself“now is the right time”.
The right time occurs when you simply decide yourself that it is the right time.
You decide when it’s the right time, so you can decide now!

Don’t be fooled into thinking that embracing change is a huge disruption and life-changing event.For the most part, our decisions to move forward are in reality much smaller commitments. They are also a lot less risky than we tend to imagine. 

Could you just decide that now is the right time?

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1 change to make this week!

Our ability to create change in our lives starts with our willingness to do something different. All change – big or small- begins with the tiniest movement . It’s a small opening where we allow ourselves to consider that there might be another option. 

We discover or we are shown that there are in fact other ideas or paths, thus creating multiple opportunities. Either way, change starts with allowing something in. Almost a speck and insignificant, this small possibility is the birth of change. 

Change starts small. One decision, one habit, one new idea. 

If you think back to changes that you have made in your life, you will find that there was a time when your thinking about that specific situation that shifted. You reached a point (by force or by choice) where you suddenly opened to another perspective. Then came the willingness to try. And after trying and failing, but keeping on trying, you created a significant change.
You’ve done it before so you can do it again.

What do you want to change this year? 

What 1 change will you make this week to move towards a new possibility?

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Maintain momentum into February and beyond!

So I’m guessing about now you’re feeling the great New Year bouyancy. In this first month of the year we can seemingly all get by on enthusiasm and adrenaline alone. We’re feeling revitalised, refocused and have more energy. But, I’m sorry to say, it just isn’t going to last.

Right now it’s easy and you might be tempted to coast along for the next few weeks. I suggest you don’t. Instead, read my tips that follow on how to maintain momentum and set yourself up for success. Taking the easy road now will not keep you humming along in a month’s time.

I want to keep you moving forward after the energy wears off, after life“happens” and you get derailed. Here’s my 5 tips to keep the momentum way past the month of January:

Understand the structure of your winning actions
Right now you’re doing things efficiently and it’s all working. Why is it working?What are you doing that is producing your winning actions? If you seem to be on top of things, how have you achieved that?Ask yourself: what am I doing to make this work? 
Example
Ensuring that you have only 3 priorities on your list every day. Not answering emails and phone calls for a few hours a day.Even if you put down your current success to the time of year – “it’s quiet at the moment, so it’s easier”… Maybe it is quieter but what are you doing differently?Are you spending less time in meetings? What are you not doing or not being distracted by? You must find out what the structure is that is underpinning your current success. The structure will likely small key behaviours and involve boundaries. This is the foundation of your success! Understand it and aim not to compromise it moving forward into the following months.

Track it
Once you understand your winning structure that is producing your current results, you want to start tracking these small key behaviours now. If you can
keep these small key behaviours going at least most of the time, you will be able to keep up your momentum. So set up a spreadsheet (click here to download my tracking table) or use an app to track your key behaviours. 

Simply record each key behaviour and record the number of times you need to do it in a week.Then update the spreadsheet/app every day or every other day with a tick, an emoji, whatever indicates to you that you have done that action.Don’t leave it for more than 2 days because you won’t remember what you have done. Keeping this record for a week will give you a simple indication of what you have and haven’t done with your key behaviours. At the end of the week, tally your number of each key action. 

With this whole process, your aim is twofold:

  1. Aim to meet your target number of actions
  2. Have a clear visual indicator of any changes in your behaviours.

Tracking sounds simple but is incredibly powerful! Just bringing this information into conscious awareness every week will act as a reminder of the key things you need to do and indicate clearly when you’re off track. And yes, we will all get off track many times throughout the goal achievement process, so this is important!

Don’t allow derailment to mean anything
I absolutely swear by the tracking tip we just discussed for the very reason that you will get off track in pursuit of your goals. Everyone does. It’s pretty simple really. Life happens, unexpected urgent tasks arise, things are delayed, unexpected changes in your office etc. You know what I mean. It’s not inevitable that these things mean the death of your goals, it just means you need to be prepared.

As a Coach I am often coaching clients through derailments and most of the conversations revolve around what they think about getting off track. I spend time reassuring them that it’s normal. Even well experienced successful people will reach the same conclusion when they get off track. They conclude(like you and I do) that something is wrong. We all conclude that our ability or the circumstances around our goal are wrong. We use the“getting off track” week(s) as evidence that“it’s just not working”. 

When you’re at this point, firstly, have compassion for yourself. You’re clearly feeling disheartened. Then gently remind yourself that this is in fact not evidence of anything except for the natural progression of goal achievement!

Let me reiterate: Getting off track means nothing about you, your ability or the potential success of your goal.

Getting off track is a natural part of the journey. Don’t make it mean anything other than that. Keeping this in mind, you will be able to avoid the negative thoughts that can creep in and inevitably impact your momentum.

Plug into the WHY of your goals
One of the reasons that we feel so motivated at the start of the goal setting process is that we are very clear about WHY we want to achieve our goals. We have a vision of what that will mean for us personally. We imagine the accompanying emotions and feelings of success. After we start on the goal achievement journey however, this can often be lost.

The day-to-day disciplines required, the focus and energy that you need for success can erode rather quickly. Understanding why you want to achieve your goals and actually recording these reasons to review later, will help you to keep moving forward. We all want to achieve our goals so that we can experience certain feelings, whether they be of accomplishment itself or the outcome of the goal, such as feeling better/significant/lighter/less stressed. So now is the time to record your WHY for each goal and read over them every fortnight. This will help ensure that you keep your momentum in the months ahead.

Make sure you implement these 5 tips over the next week to get you set up for rolling momentum!