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Sneaky unconscious decisions

Let’s start this week’s blog with an interesting question: When was the last time you said “no” to someone or something?

Can you actually remember when you last said “no”? Or was it so long ago that you have to really think through the last few months? I must say it did take me a few minutes to recall my last “no”.

I had to decline on something fun and social because I knew it would stretch me way too thin that week. What was interesting was I felt that I wasn’t just saying “no“ to my friends who invited me, but also saying “no” to myself.

Cue lightbulb moment.
If you’re a “doer”, you know, the “productive” type. Then, the biggest challenge you may have is to actually say “no” to yourself!

Yes, it may in fact not be others asking a lot of you. Rather, it’s you asking a lot of yourself. 

And often not even realising it.

Is it “bad” to ask a lot of yourself? Not necessarily.
What is however unhelpful, is being unaware of what you’re asking yourself to do.

Many of us really don’t notice what we expect from ourselves.
We are not aware of what we have said “yes” to automatically.

We’re already in the behaviour pattern or expectation without even questioning it. And this is when we can run into trouble. Unconscious behaviours could lead to issues with boundaries when you find yourself saying “yes” all the time to yourself and others.

The key is to become aware of what you say “yes” to. Here’s a few questions to open up some awareness in this area:
What am I expecting of myself in this situation?
What am I assuming responsibility for? And why?
Can I say “no” to 1 thing today?

If you start asking yourself these questions regularly, you will be able to create enhanced awareness about some automatic decisions you didn’t know you were making. Then you have the opportunity to re-decide. More choice, or rather, conscious choice.

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How to learn from lockdown

Have you spread you wings and ventured outside a little further recently? If so, I hope it has been enjoyable. I have been out and about, slowly bringing back some of my favourites activities after this last lifting of COVID rules.

I have to confess that I am enjoying it very much! I now know just how important some things really are… like seeing friends in-person. A luxury once taken for granted.

 I have learnt a lot about what is important to me in lockdown, have you?

Whether you loved it (introverts and home bodies) or hated it (extroverts and social people), it created a moment in time, like one giant pause on life.

Sure, lots fell into that gap…new hobbies, cooking complex dishes, Netflix…But there was a lot of opportunity for us all to ask ourselves some quality questions, along the lines of…does <insert thing> really matter?

Perspective, that’s what a pandemic can give us.

And while we’re still emerging from the cocoon, now’s the optimal time to write a few things down!

Yes, I know you have learnt a lot.
I know you know yourself better.


But what exactly have you learnt?
Can you articulate it?
Can you record it, so you can reference it later?


Today I share with you the best questions to ask yourself in order to maximise your learning from lockdown. 
Think about it, this may be the only time in your lifetime that you ever are forced to stop and reflect. Let’s harness that wisdom now, before we’re off again and too busy to think about it!

Start here:
What did I really miss the most in lockdown? How can I create more of this in my life moving forward?
What did I stop doing in lockdown? Do I want to pick it up again or not?
What did I start doing in lockdown? Do I want to continue with it?
Who was my“soft place to fall”(supporter) for the duration of the lockdown? How will I thank them?


More, for those of you who are keen…
What did I learn about myself that surprised me?
How did I manage my mental health in lockdown? What practices will I continue with into the future?
What did I struggle with the most in lockdown?
What will I never do again after lockdown?
How did my habits change in lockdown? What do I think about this?
How did my values become more clear or change during lockdown?
How would I like to move forward, using this time as a pivot point in my life?

As a Certified Coach it is my role to ask quality questions that create awareness and possibility. And there is no better time than after a big challenge like lockdown, to ask yourself some of these powerful questions (and write your answers down).

I hope you find these questions helpful in harnessing some of the learning you’ve experienced over the last while.

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Creating easy solutions

One of the main things I work on with my clients is finding solutions. In fact, you could argue that the whole coaching process is about finding and creating solutions that enable my clients to move forward or create positive change.

So essentially I spend a lot of time helping people find and/or create solutions. Whether it’s for a business, your work role, home life, for a habit, your mindset… the process is the same. And contrary to our (limiting) beliefs, it does not need to be difficult!

Finding or creating easy solutions requires just two things of you:

  1. Asking yourself quality questions, and
  2. Being willing to try a solution

That’s it.

Yet many of us get stuck and stagnate. Firstly, we assume that the answer is out there somewhere (mistake no. 1) and then we assume that the solution has to be the“forever solution” (mistake no. 2).

Let’s look at mistake no. 1, the answer is out there. The answer to you getting unstuck is actually within you! Yes, sounds cliched but it’s true. A good coach will know how to draw this out of you so-to-speak, so that you become aware of your strengths and the things that have worked for you in the past. This will be done through posing quality questions.

What’s a quality question you can use? Try… 
Was there a time when I did not have this issue, or a time when it was less troubling?
(What was I doing then?)
What would an ideal situation look like?
(How can I create that in small steps?)

Often we assume that a problem is all-consuming, but if you look hard enough, you will find “gaps” in your experience where the problem does not exist at all. 

Let’s look at mistake no. 2, the “forever” solution.
We’ve all been guilty of this, I’m sure. When we look for a solution, we search for the perfect solution that will apply in all contexts and be a long-term solution. While this approach can be useful in establishing what the long-term goal is, often we really need a “will make it work now” type of solution, rather than the forever type of solution.

How many solutions can you come up with? Make a list. Which one will you try first? Schedule a review after a period of time if the solution needs upgrading or not. A solution that makes something work now will create momentum (where there has been inertia) and can be a stepping stone to a more sophisticated long-term “forever” solution down the track.

So, remember:
Ask yourself quality questions.
Look for a short-term solution first and take action.

If you need help with this solution-finding process, reach out! I offer a complimentary Coaching Introduction Session, sign up here.

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3 sure signs that your work doesn’t match your values

What is your experience of your work?

Whether you have your own business or are an employee, this is an important question. We all have difficult days (sometimes weeks), but overall would you rate your working life as a positive and fulfilling experience? Or, are you holding on by the skin of your teeth, doing it for the money or convenience?

When your work feels stressful or difficult for a lot of the time, this can be an indication that you are working in a role or environment that is out of alignment with your personal values.

Our personal values are an intrinsic foundation to our experience of wellbeing and fulfillment. If you ignore these values, or are just unclear about them, then you can find yourself in situations that are ultimately unhealthy for you.

Here are 3 signs that your work may not be in alignment with your personal values:
1. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells
Are you feeling hyper vigilant? Are you on high alert to avoid making any mistakes or causing any problems? This is you walking on eggshells. This is not sustainable over the long term and creates a built-in systemic anxiety around your work. You can’t really relax into focused work. As you can imagine, this depletes your energy and enjoyment of your work.

2. Work drains your lifeforce
Are your activities outside of work changing or becoming less frequent? When your work is in conflict with your personal values, it takes a lot out of you physically and mentally. It will reduce your capacity to give in other areas of your life. You may do less outside of work or find you need more downtime and can’t handle certain activities or socialising. This is a sure sign that you are over-taxed in your work.

3. You aren’t being your true self at work
Most work environments require us to be a little bit more formal than what we’d be socially, but if you find that you need to repress other aspects of your personality at work, this could be a values clash. Do you disagree with the way certain things are done within the organisation? Do you disagree with the priorities?

If what is important to you needs to be completely set aside when you go to work, this is real values clash. 
It means that in order to function and be successful at work, you will need to ignore what is important to you. This is perhaps the situation that is most challenging and draining. If you find yourself in this situation, you must consider changing the situation either from within the organisation or leaving it altogether.

So, could you relate to one of the three situations? At some point in our careers and lives, we’ve all likely experienced one of these scenarios. It is actually an important part of the journey we are on. Learning to recognise when these situations are present will help you to better understand what is and isn’t working for you and to then use that information to guide you in an alternative direction that will ultimately be better for you.

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Pandemic Fatigue is real and most of us have it, so now what?

It’s now official, this lockdown in Greater Sydney will extend in its current format through to the end of September(at least). This is a long time for us all to be couped up in our own households and restricted from social interaction.
If you are really feeling it this time around, don’t worry, you’re not the only one.

Recently, Lucy Brogden, Chair of the National Mental Health Commission stated in an interview that what we are experiencing is “pandemic fatigue”. Yes, it is a real thing.

I hope you’re sighing with relief that you realise now that it’s not just you who has felt tired, low in energy, restless… But let’s have a look at all of the symptoms of Pandemic Fatigue, as well all experience it in different ways:

  • Tiredness
  • Frustration
  • Low in energy
  • Restlessness
  • Irritability
  • Hopelessness
  • Difficulty looking forward to tomorrow
  • Dread
  • Not wanting to be with others
  • Increased use of alcohol or other substances
  • Lack of enthusiasm for things you would normally enjoy

Have you experienced any of these feelings or behaviours recently?
I know I have. And I’m guessing you might have too. 

There is good news here, I promise.
Firstly, we can feel relieved that this is a common experience. It’s not just our own reaction or experience but a normal reaction to stressful circumstances after thinking that we were all on the better side of the pandemic, then being thrust into an extended lockdown. 

I was explaining it the other day, using a running analogy. Imagine that you are at the end of your 10km run and mentally you know you only have 1km left. You start to look towards the finish line and are mentally preparing to stop. Then suddenly someone slaps another 10km on your run. It impacts everything because mentally and physically you were preparing to stop, rest and be able to recover. But now you have to keep going and you are basically back at the start. For us in an extended lockdown it’s as if the run keeps extending and now we don’t have a specific end in sight. No wonder we’re tired!

The second good news in all this is that there’s a name to these feelings and behaviours that we’re experiencing. There is nothing wrong with us, with the way we’re reacting or dealing with this situation. It’s a group of feelings and behaviours called “Pandemic Fatigue” and it’s real.

Being able to name our experience does two great things:
1. It allows us to feel more distanced from it(the experience), so we don’t feel that it’s internalised and 
2. we can talk about it more easily with others. 
Win, win!

So now we know what our experience is: It’s a type of fatigue.So what do we do now?

  1. It’s important to acknowledge Pandemic Fatigue if we recognise some of those behaviours and feelings as our own experience recently, and
  2. It’s important to include specific activities that will help you to manage and overcome these feelings. The Mental Health Commission suggests the following in order to do this:
  • Identify & practice self-care strategies that work for you (as you know I can’t tell you often enough! Self-care is key :))
  • Exercise
  • Take a break (do things you’ve been putting off)
  • Follow facts (news) from trusted sources (and I would add limit your intake of this)
  • Reach out to those who may not have connections
  • Keep kids communicating – Let them know it’s okay to be worried and talk about it

I know that we are restricted in our activities, but you can do ALL of these activities while adhering to the lockdown restrictions. If you want further reading or information on self-care, check out these related posts: 
Coping tips, Coronavirus Pandemic panic
One year later, how are you managing the changes COVID made?
What I’m discussing with my clients right now

So, stay on your self-care routine (or get back on it if you’ve stopped) and consider implementing one or more of the suggested actions outlined above.